140: I Have Inner Peace and I'm Single with Jonathon Aslay

Conversation begins 13 minutes in.

Midway into his 40s and still very much motivated by the having of things, America’s Leading Midlife Dating & Relationship Coach and author of What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway, Jonathon Aslay, unexpectedly steered himself into the perfect storm aka the humbling event that forced him into realizing we each are the creators of our experiences.

It began when he filed for divorce, lost his quarter of a million dollar job a few months later, then got wiped out financially not long after that and, unable to find a job, had to move into a retirement community and become roommates with his parents. Before his grand awakening, Jonathan spent his first year as a divorcee feeding his drug of choice—online dating/communicating with women—only to realize a 100 dates in that the ever elusive “something isn’t right” was really within him.

Opening up to Chelsea, he shares the micro-moment that helped him shift his addictive relationship with dating and what his deep dive into selfhood taught him about true empowerment, cultivating inner peace, purposeful dating and sainthood.

Gems to look out for:

+ a woman’s need to understand men often comes from a place of fear versus empowerment
+ the four attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent/preoccupied, anxious-avoidant/dismissive, disorganized
+ we don’t vent to get validation, but we complain to get sympathy
+ social media is overrun with people vomiting their victimhood (victim consciousness)
+ true empowerment is taking personal responsibility for all your choices
+ with inner peace, you can find joy and happiness in almost anything
+ when one is constantly searching for happiness, most likely they’re going to get the corresponding opposite as well
+ when you say you’re happy being single, you’re telling the universe you’re happy staying single too.
+ how a back injury made him pause and think, what an interesting way to love myself this week
+ everything that happens, whether good or bad, is an opportunity to love ourselves
+ our ego is so insidious that it even shuns true love
+ social media and television hypnotizes us into putting our attention into the most emotionally devastating things which, in the process, robs us of self-control and empowerment
+ how a woman he shared one terrible dinner date with was a soulmate
+ what you have to let go of in order to be friends with an ex

And much, much more.

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To connect with Jonathon, visit his:

Website: http://www.jonathonaslay.com

Receive the first few chapters of his book: www.jonathonaslay.com/love

Purchase What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1092498397/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0

Coaching Services: http://www.jonathonaslay.com/shortcut

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/consciouscoupling.jonathonaslay

Twitter: https://twitter.com/jonathonaslay

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/JonathonAslay

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Work with Chelsea: www.breakupward.com/shop

Chelsea’s website: www.breakupward.com

Sign up for Chelsea’s newsletter: bit.ly/tyhbletter

Instagram: www.instagram.com/thankyouheartbreak

Connect and send in your questions and/or letters via www.instagram.com/thankyouheartbreak or by email: Chelsea@breakupward.com

Chapters

• 4:58 What irritates me
• 13:00 Intro ends and conversation with Jonathon Aslay begins

Transcript

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   0:02


Jonathon Aslay:   13:02
I'll follow your lead and I'll go whatever direction you want me to.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   13:05
I enjoy that.

Jonathon Aslay:   13:06
We men like directions.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   13:10
It's true. I know that from my clients and they're good, usually, with direction.

Jonathon Aslay:   13:15
Well, when it comes to women, we prefer directions and, when it comes to driving, leave us alone and we'll figure it out and drive 100 miles the wrong way.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   13:23
That's so funny. Okay, I have so many questions. Okay, first. I would love for you to introduce yourself to my audience.

Jonathon Aslay:   13:30
Well, hi. My name is Jonathon Aslay and, professionally, I'm a dating a relationship coach for women. And I'm the author of a book called What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway?

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   13:41
Mm. I can't wait to talk about that. But the first question that I have for you is,  why work with women? Why not men?

Jonathon Aslay:   13:51
It kind of relates to what we were just talking about a second ago. So, it's interesting because we were just talking about directions and men, often times, don't seek help in understanding women. They prefer to seek help, how to meet women. That's like their biggest challenges. Confidence building and such. Whereas, I chose to work with women because women are more fascinated with relationships, women are more fascinated with trying to understand men. I mean, there's only a gazillion books out there, and so I chose to help women learn how to understand midlife men. Midlife is that after baby making years and before retirement age bracket. So that's where I lean into most, which is mostly also divorced men. And because I'm a divorced man and I've been through, you know, alimony, child support, visitation rights, family court, all those things, I felt as though I could help women understand the male psyche in that age demographic.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   14:47
Fascinating. So, most of my clients are men, and I find that they're more inquisitive. But like you said they want to know what to do. But what's interesting to me is, I believe you're right that women are fascinated about, you know, why a man did this, why a man did that. But I feel like I wish there were a little bit more about, why did I do this? I find that's the biggest struggle for me with female clients. Sometimes I'm like, can we stop talking about him for a second? And I know that your book is about self-love, which is really self-inquiry.

Jonathon Aslay:   15:19
Yes, well, you know what's interesting. You know, we both said the same thing. Women are fascinated, but that curiosity towards men comes from an actual place of fear. It's not from a place of empowerment. So, while they might be curious, their energy is coming from almost a place of desperation. So, I help them navigate what they're feeling and then turn that into empowerment. So, that's why I prefer that conversation is because I know they're coming to me and, I don't like to characterize it from desperate or needy, and yet many times that's where it's coming from, and it gives a great opportunity to shift to a place of empowerment, to a place of love, a place of of really leaning into your own sovereignty, if you will.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   16:05
I love that you just said that, and I know, we're not characterizing all women, but what I have felt, with the women that come to me, I do feel that sort of energy, especially when they've been cheated on. And I feel like there's a sense of helplessness. Whereas with men, they're still leading with hope. That's what I have found with my clients. So I'm curious, I mean, can you think of anything off the top of your head where they've led with, like you're saying, desperation and you've been able to make them see or change it into self empowerment? Is there anything you can think of?

Jonathon Aslay:   16:37
Well, yeah, there's probably dozens. If you give me enough time, I can come up with several dozen. What came to my mind first is, usually when a short lived relationship has come to the end, and it's not the choice of the woman. In other words, it's the man who chose, and for some reason they're still pining for a relationship where the person basically says I've wanted to move on, and yet they're still holding out for that. And so, as a coach, my role is to lean into shifting that energy into something more positive. And first I help them by recognizing where that need comes from, and it's usually what's called an attachment style. Anyone who is interested in what I'm about to share, if you Google the words love attachment styles, you'll find out that there's several different attachments styles: anxious, avoidant, secure schizophrenic. No, that's a joke. I forget the one that's called back and forth. It just escapes me at the moment. So, having them get a greater understanding of what's going on internally allows them to reflect inside and then hopefully make better choices going forward.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   17:47
Absolutely. I think that it's about trying to get people to be wiser, you know, to collect and evaluate and gain their own wisdom. But people are really, really into the attachment theories. I remember it was like 2014 when I was given a book about it. It's one of the famous books, and I thought it was going to be just for like, the person that's into research, and it turns out like the everyday person seems to read this book and be into this. You know how people talk about love languages? Now It's like attachment styles.

Jonathon Aslay:   18:18
Well, there's a couple of books. The one I think you're talking about is, Amir Levine's the book Attached. 

spk_1:   18:24
Yeah, the white and red cover.

spk_0:   18:25
Yes, exactly. With, I think, it's a heart magnet. Yeah, so that is probably the most famous of all books of getting a clarity around attachment styles. For those listening, I want to say, it's written in such a way that it's like written for a second grader. It's not all this scientific stuff.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   18:44
It looks like it would be but it's not. You're right.

Jonathon Aslay:   18:47
Yeah, and by the way, I'm saying second grader, kind of tongue in cheek. But it's very easy to comprehend what's going on. And so when we lean into where this all stems from, it gives us an opportunity to start to look inward. Now many people don't want to look inward. They want to point the finger at somebody else. They ghosted me. They cheated on me. They did this. They did that. And yet the only way, at least in my perception, to heal and improve one's life is always looking inside and how did I contribute to this happening in my life?

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   19:27
Absolutely. And it reminds me of what you wrote in your book, which I had never even thought of it this way, but you talk about what really ruins lives is complaining. And, I had an ex where I really felt actually the burden of that. And listen, I had been depressed in relationships before. I'm sure I complained then, but I remember just feeling the weight of the complaint and that there was no self-responsibility. And you really talk about that. And then the difference being that someone that's venting is actually saying that they're trying to identify how they're responsible for it.

Jonathon Aslay:   19:59
Yes, you know, it's interesting because I'm sure you spent some time on social media and you can see where people are vomiting their victimhood on posts.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   20:11
Oh my God, I turned on all the time. It's like what's come of my feed?

Jonathon Aslay:   20:16
Yeah, and it's so crystal clear that they're actually in victim consciousness. So that's what complaining is. And thank you for bringing up that part in my book. Because, what I do with my circle of friends when I have something that's bottled up, okay, that maybe it's a judgment. Maybe there's some resentment. Maybe I'm doing some comparison against someone else. I'll call up a friend and say, Hey, look, I just need to vent. And that means, I just need to spew all this garbage out. I just want you to hear it. I don't necessarily want advice, and when I'm done, it's over with or maybe we'll process it. So I think Alison Armstrong calls it, holding the basket. What that means is, holding the basket of vomiting in it. And so, I was in a relationship with a woman once where we had a code for each other. One, was the code, I need to vent. She'd say, can you hold the basket? That's what that meant. The other was, I need to process something with you, which means I'm gonna be sharing something that may be ugly but I also want to heal from it and I need your feedback.  So rather vomiting on Facebook, which is mostly to gain sympathy, venting is not to get validation from the person you're venting to. It's merely just to get off your chest.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   21:32
And I guess, you know, the reality is we do need people like that. But, you know, I've caught myself being like, even just with my sister, like do I really need to tell my sister that my pants ripped? Like, what is she going to do about it? You know, and I think it's just interesting that there's something inside of us that we want someone else to hold our problem with us. 

Jonathon Aslay:   21:53
It's interesting. I never thought of it. That's an interesting way. They they hold it with us. I mean that certainly I recognize that. But I never thought of it that way. That's so true. Like, if someone else is feeling the pain, that takes the pain away from me.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   22:07
You don't want to be alone in the heaviness. Like, you know, you get cut off by a car. It's like, instead of keeping it to yourself, you call someone up and you're always talking about the drivers in Florida. What is that about? It's about trying to shift the weight.

Jonathon Aslay:   22:21
It reminds me in the dating realm how everybody says there's no good people in Los Angeles. I mean, a city with only like about 10 gazillion people.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   22:30
In New York, too. No one's serious about dating in New York, they always say. Same thing.

Jonathon Aslay:   22:34
And in my book, I even lean into this because true empowerment is taking personal responsibility for all your choices because once a person does that fully, then there's actually that opportunity to feel a level of inner peace. And that's where I'm a big proponent of—inner peace—because with inner peace, you can find joy and happiness in almost anything.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   22:57
Yeah, I would love to break that apart more because when I read about inner peace, I'm kind of just like, uh, that's not me. And yet, it's something that I've really been feeling and been able to sustain it, and I find that with, inner peace, for example, it's like I don't need validation anymore. I don't have this anxiety in terms of attachments, and it's an amazing thing to think, inner peace allows you to move through the world and constantly bring something with you, meaning you're not dependent upon circumstances or the people or the conditions. It's like the most freeing thing in a way.

Jonathon Aslay:   23:34
Yeah, you know, it's interesting. I've been contemplating the thought of the yin and yang sign  which is the circle with, you know, it's basically black and white hemispheres. Not hemisphere. What's the word I'm looking for? Anyways, one represents, a positive or a negative, for example. And let's just use that. So when one is out there constantly searching for happiness, most likely they're going to get the corresponding opposite as well. So if if you're searching for happiness and constantly need happiness, then you're going to also get the balance to that, too, which is unhappiness. To me, inner peace is that lying in between the two hemispheres. That's what inner peace is. It's the space in between the negative and positive. And so it might feel like neutral but it's actually content. I am learning that that has greater power than the searching for happiness.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   24:31
Yes, I feel like that line that you're talking about, it's almost like when people tell you it's all about the journey in the end. That line is the journey. Whereas everything else is like something that we've been reaching for or that is being pushed on us that, we think, you talk about this, the whole win-then thinking. So when I'm happy, I will be able to bring a better man into my life or, you know, just all of that. And yet, it always seems to evade us. It doesn't happen. We end up disappointed or it's short-lived.

Jonathon Aslay:   25:06
You know, it's interesting. People used to say, I'm happy being single, which basically is telling the universe I'm happy to stay single, for example. So, I used to suggest, I'm happy and I'm single. So it's, you know, there are two sides of the equation. Now I lean into inner peace only because I recognize that, when I say happy, I'm going to also experience the corresponding opposite because that's what yin and yang is all about.  If we're searching for happiness, even in our lives, we're going to get the corresponding. So why not lean into inner peace? I have inner peace, and I'm single, as an example.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   25:45
Yes, I swear to you, I feel like it's the most threatening person out there these days. I mean, I feel that that's how I am, and I feel like a lot of my girlfriends are threatened by that. They don't understand it. Oh my God, I cannot even tell you. It's like they can acknowledge it. They see it, they talk about it. And yet they then become anxious to try to get me dating. I'm trying to figure it out where I feel like people are uncomfortable seeing someone that's at peace and, like you're saying, single. Not at peace because I am single and I don't want to be with a man, because that's not me, at peace while still being single.

Jonathon Aslay:   26:33
Well, let's think about this for a second, because you know, when you think about 50% of marriages end in divorce. So, that really means a lot of people are miserable and unhappy and have to end their relationships. I bet you anything of those people are still married half of them are miserable anyway. And if one is back out there, the reality is, here's the thing, I'm a dating coach and I'm all about putting the odds in your favor but I'm also going to be realistic. You know, the odds are 50/50 whether you're ever gonna find this blissful relationship you want, and chances are it's even less than 50/50 and I know that's a turn off. Nobody wants to hear the reality that the chances of finding that Notebook kind of relationship is rare now. With that said, it's not impossible. So why not make your inner peace your true journey? And then if someone comes along that brings value to your life, then bam, you guys go off into the sunset together. But hunting for it is going to set you up for failure.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   27:31
No, I mean, it's really where I'm at. I think the only thing that would begin to make me just want to get after it. I don't even know how to say it, but it's just the kid part. Whereas, I understand with you and your clients, they maybe have already divorced, maybe already have children, but what would you say to someone that hasn't married yet? And they want to have children? How do they reconcile that, being at peace, not being in a rush, not wanting to force anything to happen, not wanting to hunt it down, but really enjoying letting themselves be led by their life? I remember hearing this quote, and I never thought it would be me. Mark Manson, said it. He was like, you need to make something else more important than love.

Jonathon Aslay:   28:14
Well, I'm going to have a different perspective on that, because I think the most important thing in life is love, but that's not saying romantic love. But I think what he really means is romantic love, because the most powerful force on the planet is love. And that should be what's in our consciousness every given second of the day. I suspect that the average person doesn't even think about the word love. If they're lucky, maybe a couple seconds in any given day. I actually spend a fair amount of my consciousness thinking of the word itself because I feel like just even contemplating the word shifts the energy. Because where most people operate, they are unaware of this, their operating system is on ego and fear. I'm all for shifting the narrative to love, now not romantic love, I'm talking about love and, in particular, you know, I'm a big advocate for self-love because I wrote a book about it.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   29:11
Absolutely. No, I think that was also a big wake up call for me. That it wasn't about only experiencing love when I'm in it with someone but I'm an expression of love throughout the day. It's something that I don't hoard for one person. It's not something that one person activates in me. It's something that I have and that I give.

Jonathon Aslay:   29:32
So, I'm gonna share with your audience something that piggybacks on what you just said and that is, a few weeks ago, I threw my back out and I was I was at the gym lifting weights, and I could feel that bam and I literally was walking home like a Quasimodo. And for a moment I was upset that I did the exercise, for a moment, and then I go, Wow, Jonathan, what an interesting way to love yourself this week. Because I know it's going to take about a week or so, 10 days to heal from this, because I've throw my back out number of times in the last 20 or 30 years. But this time I said, What an interesting way to love myself. In other words, I looked at this little bit of pain and instead of judging it or judging myself and criticizing myself, You stupid idiot. Why did you do the exercise that way? Which is just mere self criticism, which is a self-crucifixion. It's like telling a little kid you're a piece of shit, right? So, I said, What an interesting way to love myself this week. And so what did I do? I rested. I laid down. I live in California, so I took a bunch of edibles and chilled. And I got to relax for a week. Now, that's what I mean by love.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   30:49
Mmm. 

Jonathon Aslay:   30:50
It's stepping into loving yourself in such a way that, good or bad, I don't know. It's just an opportunity tove myself.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   30:58
Mmm. So what is the resistance, do you think, that people have to going there?

Jonathon Aslay:   31:04
So, our ego is insidious. You know, most people see ego as selfish, but ego is about self, and the ego wants to constantly protect itself and literally ego wants to also shun away true love. So, like I said, the ego and fear is insidious. When people hear the terms, consciousness, awake, enlightenment and a lot of people think, Oh, that's just a bunch of woo woo and what not. It's the recognition of when ego and fear is running your operating system. In other words, you know there's a software and the hardware your computer. It's the same thing. And so, most humans run, I'm going to say 97% of their operating system on ego and fear not love. And it's why I'm drawing attention to this. To recognize, first, is stepping into your limiting beliefs and negative patterns. Maybe it's that victim consciousness we talked about before, and sadly, for most people, it takes a humbling event. It's being brought down to their knees to be humbled, to begin to recognize that we individually are the creators of our own experiences. So here's the thing, Chelsea, I'm a big proponent of like, look, if you have the choice between watching the Bachelor, The Kardashians, and watching a good Wayne Dyer movie or are something really uplifting from your emotional sense, that's where energy should be stepped.  There's so many great books and yet we're being hypnotized through social media and through the television to put our attention to the most emotionally devastating things for us. Because when humans are suppressed, the governments and everything else can control an individual. But when one takes empowerment in their life, then there's no one that can control you. Only you are the navigator of your life at that point.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   33:06
I love that, I love that. And did you feel that way? Were you in that state of mind when you went through your divorce?

Jonathon Aslay:   33:14
So, when I went through a divorce, I was in my early forties. I was as egotistical as they come. I was driven by power. I was driven by success. I was motivated by the having of things. That was my mantra. And after turning 40, filing for divorce, and then losing my quarter of a million a year job, and couldn't find a job for years thereafter. 2008 when the market crashed, I had a seven figure wipeout. I mean, I lived in a two million dollar home when I was married, we got divorced, split our assets, and then two years, three years later, I got wiped out. I'm in my mid-forties. I had to move in with my mom and dad.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   34:04
Oh, my God.

Jonathon Aslay:   34:05
In a retirement community. I mean, I lived in a 100 square foot bedroom with my 80 year old parents, and for the next five years, I was rebuilding my life. And what was interesting was, I did a lot of drugs and alcohol to cope and my drug of choice was online dating. I was addicted to communicating with women.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   34:33
Oh, my God. I had no idea about this. First off,  your energy is just, I am obsessed with it. And now this. Keep on going.   

Jonathon Aslay:   34:45
Well, first, before all that happened, my first year out of my divorce I still had money. I mean, I lost my job literally months after we filed for divorce. But I wasn't completely down the rabbit hole. So my first year out of my divorce, I had over 100 Internet dates. I would meet a great girl, have a great time. Something wasn't right. Meet another girl. Ah, or woman. Excuse me. 

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   35:13
Nice. Nice catch.

Jonathon Aslay:   35:16
I'm sorry. I'm a boomer, so it's old school for me to say. So, I'd meet another woman. Great date. Something wasn't right. One after another after another, and a year later, I realized that the something wasn't right was me. So the movie The Secret came out right about then, and I watched it. I go, This resonates with me. I mean, like, it spoke volumes, and it was the catalyst to start doing personal development. Now, all the while, I'm still addicted to talking to women all the time and thankfully so because that started the vocation because women were constantly reaching out to me. I was making friends all across the country. I mean, I live in Los Angeles. I flew to New York to meet women. I flew to South Carolina. I flew to, Florida. I mean, I went all over the country, but after a while, I was just meeting women as friends and they would all call me up and asked me for advice.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   36:10
Wow, I love that. I love that you allowed yourself to be friends with them because, you know how some people are, thinking you can't be friends with a woman. So this is great.

Jonathon Aslay:   36:19
No, I fed off of the feminine energy. I fed off of their wisdom and I could hear them talking about men and a lot of complaining or venting. Both. And I'd go, Well, let me tell you what I think is going on with them and so, I literally got on the job training for what I do now. Although I've also studied with some of the best masters, I've gotten an N.LP. Certificate. I'm getting my cognitive behavioral certificate right now. I've done the Hoffman Institute. I've done the Insight Seminars. I've done so much work in the last decades. But the women originally were the best resource for me to understand what their experience was. And then I gave them perspective from the emotional male perspective, and they were eating it up. And then I dated an Internet marketer, actually a very famous one for a brief period of time. We were together for six months and I mean, she's up there with the Tony Robbins crowd. I mean, here I am a loser and talking to this gorgeous rock star empowerment coach for women. And when we ended, I'm like I should do what she does. Yeah, that's how this got born.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   37:28
Wow, I love that. I really love that. I mean, that to me, is like when I first started this podcast it was about people that change careers and realize that, in retrospect, that happened because of a breakup, like, that's totally you.

Jonathon Aslay:   37:46
It was the perfect storm. It was the divorce. It was the job loss. It was losing money. I mean, it was the perfect storm calamity, and it was the catalyst for me to do a deep dive into personal development, self-help and spirituality. I eventually had another major catastrophe happen in my life and yet, I was prepared for it, because I did all the heavy lifting the decade prior.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   38:13
I have two questions before I ask you about that. One is, were you addicted to talking to women while you were married, or did she feed that? Like, was one person enough at the time? Is it something about being single, or were you that person all along?

Jonathon Aslay:   38:29
My drug of choice when I was married was I was in the corporate insurance world, so I was addicted to networking, golfing and networking and, you know, chasing money and all that sort of thing. So that was my drug of choice. I was raised during the movie The Wall Street. You know, greed is good. And so, I was chasing greed and then bam, when you lose everything that shifted me. And some people rise from a collapse like that and a lot of people could have gotten another job or something. I went inward and literally had to crash to the point where I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up. I literally had reached such a rock bottom. I lived on an ocean place at the time. This was before I moved in with my parents. I had an ocean view place. I'd close the curtains in the middle of the day and curl up in a ball and go, I hope I don't wake up. I hope I don't wake up. And I had two children, small children at the time. I didn't feel like I was suicidal. I just wanted the pain to go away.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   39:32
Right, I remember when I was living in L.A. I think about it, I remember writing about it a lot, how I would close the curtains as well. It's like, here was L.A. on the other side of my window. I kept myself in, and I locked myself out from it entirely. I was never suicidal either. I was just, I didn't have the energy to live. 

Jonathon Aslay:   39:55
Now please tell me that wasn't L.A.'s fault, per se.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   39:58
I always say, I've felt like I'm more of a New York person, right? But I would never blame L.A. ever because I never got to experience it. I was always in my apartment. I would say, I wish I could have lived one happy day in L. A. And I can't wait to actually bring myself back to see what I feel about it as the person I am now. Yeah, not blaming L.A. Was that the humbling moment for you?

Jonathon Aslay:   40:28
I'd say this perfect storm was the humbling moment. And actually, I had another interesting one that I want to share. It's a kind of a micro-moment, but it really helped me kind of shift that addictive behavior. I went on a date with a woman one year before I met a significant relationship. But I remember it was right after New Year's Eve. So it was like January 2nd. We met online, and everybody I was meeting online, and then we had a date. But what happened was when I went to go see her for the evening, I had not eaten anything that day. For whatever reason, I didn't have breakfast, didn't have lunch. So then when we we went out, when I drank, I got alcohol poisoning and I became incredibly belligerent. I went home thinking the date went really well and then when I reached out to her the next day, she crucified me in an email going, You were a jackass, and it was almost such a wake up call. And again it was more because I had no food in my stomach. It didn't absorb the alcohol and we went out to dinner. But it didn't absorb the alcohol. So I had alcohol poisoning, and I took a break for six months, didn't date. And then I put myself out there, and shortly thereafter, I met an amazing woman. When we went for our first date, I said I called it a friendship date. We were mutual friends on Facebook, let me clarify something. So were mutual friends on Facebook, and we had a number of mutual friends and when we went out, she said, I really didn't want to date you and so I said, well, let's hang out as friends. And then we hung out his friends. And on our second meeting, if you will, I guess for whatever reason, I talked about my parents a lot and she said, Do you live with your parents? And I was like a deer in the headlights because I didn't want to admit the truth. And I said, yes. I mean, I paused for a second and I said yes, and she didn't bat an eye. And by the way, let me just say something, she's a marriage and family therapist. I mean, she was a doctor who actually had her own TV show.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   42:28
Oh, my god. A dream.

Jonathon Aslay:   42:29
I know. So I mean, she's drop dead gorgeous, had her own TV show at one time. She was on the news all the time as a celebrity therapist. And I kept asking her out, and she didn't say no and we went on to have a six year on and off relationship. We were definitely soul mates. We had to work through our own mutual crap, okay? And I was thankful. I had a therapist literally at my beck and call both helping me professionally understand what's going on with my clients, and it helped me navigate a lot of my stuff during that time together. So truly a blessing. We had a wonderful conscious uncoupling when it ended. In fact, I even talked to her today about something. We're dear friends. She has an amazing partner in her life. They live together. I'm friends with him. I play golf with them. So because we approached our ending with love, we didn't approach it with judgment and guilt and power struggles. We just said, you know what? We're not a fit, but we love each other. So let's hold on to what's most important,

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   43:30
Which is the friendship?

Jonathon Aslay:   43:32
Which is, let's hold onto the love. And we're more like brother and sister anyway.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   43:37
No, I'm like such a believer in this. I'm such a believer.

Jonathon Aslay:   43:41
I'm bringing this up for a reason because for a while there our friendship was still very intimate. We shared a lot of intimate things with each other. It shifted. That kept us tethered. That was like emotional sex. And so, when people say a lot of times you can't be friends with an ex, it's because they're still an intimate component in your friendship. Where is now she and I don't discuss the intimate components of her relationship. I don't share the intimate components of my dating life. You know, we're social friends. We moved away from the intimate piece because that's what her partner is for.  And that was the hard part to navigate. So when people say, can you be friends with an ex? Yes, you can provided, in my opinion, it's no longer intimate. Because that's a recipe for disaster.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   44:35
That's a great story. Was it because you started as friends maybe?

Jonathon Aslay:   44:41
No. I made out with her on the first night. Uh, well, I didn't start off as friends. She put me in the friend zone, but I wasn't going to have anything to do with that. I was like, I had a mission, like Cupid hit me with 1000 arrows when I met her, and I was persistent but without being creepy. Let me just say that we just hung out together and we were intimate by, I want to say, the ninth or 10th time we had interacted with each other was when we became intimate. And then, you know, from there, the oxytocin for her took over and it was game on.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   45:18
But you also said that you are soul mates. So what is your definition of a soul mate?

Jonathon Aslay:   45:25
I have a little definition. Soul mates come into our lives to teach us lessons and our true love, we go to school with them each and every day, holding hands. And soul mates can be true love or spiritual partners with each other. That can certainly happen. Sometimes a soul mate can be a first date. They waken you up to something. Like, that one woman who basically said to me, you were a belligerent asshole, leave me alone. That was a soul mate telling me that and we had a contract that needed to be filled. It was a 12 hour contract and then it was over with. Soul mates shake things up in your life to stir one to invest in self-love, to invest in themselves. And so when someone, for example, gets cheated on. And I don't feel like they get cheated on. Somebody just had sex with someone else, and they didn't do it to the other person. They were just experiencing sex with someone else. Now, you can either look at that as a victim, or you can look at that as an opportunity to love yourself. And when one begins to see all of these opportunities to love themselves. That's what the soul mate does, is redirect the energy back to loving yourself. And two good soul mates, they do it for each other. So she and I both healed our wounds. I was a very anxious attacher. She was more of an avoidant, which is supposed to happen that way, and we healed each other in the process.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   46:51
I love that. They make you do the inward work to love yourself.

Jonathon Aslay:   46:56
Yeah, the more volatile relationship, it's the two-by-four to work on yourself.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   47:03
I really believe that. I remember Elizabeth Gilbert came out with a great quote, and it was about how much they just shake you awake to yourself. Like, they destroy you but they're a spiritual advisor.

Jonathon Aslay:   47:13
Well, there's an irony because I literally just posted that on Facebook yesterday. So if you give me like, two and half seconds.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   47:20
You'll say the real quote. 

Jonathon Aslay:   47:21
Yeah, the real quote. So I just posted this yesterday and it says, a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. And that was an Elizabeth Gilbert quote.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   47:41
That's probably the only quote by her that I really feel anything about. That's it. It kind of ends there for me.

Jonathon Aslay:   47:50
I read something and I haven't been able to find it. But she said, today's American is the most narcissistic dater on the planet because they want their best friend, their best lover, they want everyone else to be better than them, which is narcissism.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   48:06
They want their partner to be better than them.

Jonathon Aslay:   48:09
Yes, in other words, their expectation is that their partner is so much better than themselves.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   48:16
Wow, that one's good too.

Jonathon Aslay:   48:17
So, in other words, for women, it's, I need him to be this way. I need him to be this way. He's gotta have this much money, you know, and then men do the same thing in reverse. But it's that expectation from someone else, which is really coming from a place of selfishness and not from a loving place.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   48:35
Is it coming from a place of needing someone to be those things because you have this feeling that you're never going to attain it on your own? You're never going to reach it on your own, or you don't want to have to do the work? Like, what is that? What is the gap in between having someone else fill it for you and be better than you?

Jonathon Aslay:   48:52
Well, this is ego coming back. And you know the idea, for example, for a woman, who wouldn't want to date a multimillionaire? That's more for financial security. But that's an ego thing. Not necessarily. I mean, that could be a baseline thing, too. But most of the time, it's either a lack of self-worth or the opposite, an entitled personality trait. So most of time people are operating from a true lack of self-worth or an entitlement, which is just a masking of the lack of self-worth they don't have. Here's the thing, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue facing most everybody, and that is, I'm not good enough. I'm not likeable. I'm not worthy. Dating can trigger that like nobody's business. So some people operate by shrinking, and some people operate by the opposite. They become very entitled. I deserve this. And you see this, you see it on Facebook posts. You see it in the dating realm. You see it from your male clients who see this from the women that they're dating. They're either the low hanging fruit or they think their shit doesn't stink kind of woman. You know, the one that doesn't feel worthy, they're aware of it. The one that's entitled is completely unaware of it, because it's literally narcissism that's happening in that moment.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   50:14
I mean, everyone talks about that these days. I don't know if they're just labeling everyone as a narcissist.

Jonathon Aslay:   50:20
Here's the thing. The true narcissist population is less than 2% of the population. Clinical narcissism. But go egoic selfishness? 97% of the population has it. I mean, very few people are Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Mister Rogers, who actually come from a true loving place.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   50:41
Where would you say that you are?

Jonathon Aslay:   50:42
I'm on the spectrum. Mister Rogers happens to be my role model right now. To me, a lot of people would look at him and not see him as masculine. I think he's the most masculine man on the planet because he operated from a place of pure love and he cared about, specifically, children, helping them have healthy lives. There is nothing more masculine to me than somebody who operates that way. But most people would judge him as being maybe effeminate or something. I'm leaning into that. Now, I still have a huge ego, and I could be very judgmental, but I'm getting close. I'm in the 85 percentile of getting there. And, if I really wanted to be bold, I want to reach a level of, I'm going to say, sainthood. And what I mean is, living at such a level of inner peace and love and being a message for self-love in particular that my ego disappears and my judgments disappear and my comparisons disappear and my resentments disappear and I live in a place of absolute trust that the universe is going to hold me, you know, take care of me. But this is heavy duty work on my part, and I invest a minimum of an hour a day in personal development, self-help, and spiritual work.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   51:56
Let me ask you, do you think that if you were to reach that, that you can still be the type of person that wants the Mercedes?

Jonathon Aslay:   52:02
You know, it's interesting. One of the values that I really appreciate is luxury. So, I mean, I own a Panerai watch and a Rolex watch. I mean, I do like nice things, and I also I'm actually getting rid of 90% of the things in my closet. I mean, I only war 10 to 5 t-shirts every given week anyway, so I'm getting rid of a lot of crap that I don't need to make space for just calm, if you will. And yet, I still like traveling first class. I still like certain luxury things. And I could be equally like the bum on the street kind of guy. I mean, I'm let me backtrack. I can be very bohemian and hippie.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   52:47
My dad is the same way. He could, like, live out of a tent.

Jonathon Aslay:   52:51
Yeah, well, okay. I can't go that far.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   52:54
Well, I mean, he likes hunting in the bush.

Jonathon Aslay:   52:57
My balance is, I have some things that I still appreciate. I still appreciate luxury and yet I'm I'm frivolous and frugal. I just try to find my balance. Here's the thing, Chelsea. I don't want to go so woo woo. So when I said sainthood, you know, I mean, I'm creating my own version of what that is. Because I really just want to focus on being a messenger of self-love to me, that's where that is. But I'm not driven by money. I'm not driven by that anymore. I'm not. I'm not caught up in that rhetoric, especially in the Internet marketing world where it's so pushed upon

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   53:41
It is, it is.

Jonathon Aslay:   53:43
And I'm like, Hey, look, if you want to hire me, great, if you don't, no harm, no foul. You know, here's 10 other people I can refer you to if you want to live an egoic life. That was a little passive aggressive.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   53:52
Haha. No judgment.

Jonathon Aslay:   53:54
Ah, well, that's my humor coming up, but there was a little passive aggressiveness going on.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   54:00
I think what you're saying is, that you wouldn't want to shift into this place where you're unrecognizable.

Jonathon Aslay:   54:09
Yeah, I'm still going to be me. And I'm okay with that. It's just this version of me wants to operate from a place of love. I know for a lot of people you're hearing this and you're probably going bullshit. I'm serious. I could totally appreciate that how some might hear this right now. And yet, now I'm in a profession where I get to talk about this stuff each week. I get to do this. So, I made this happen. I created this life. I create a life that I get to play in the realm of love. This is, you know, this is my daily work. So it's easy for me. Now, for most people, it's not. For us talking about this, my hope is, that one person listening goes, You know what? I'm not going to waste another day of my life operating from ego and fear. I'm going to do what Jonathon did. I want to start operating more from a place of love. So I'm going to go do a deep dive into books like The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   55:04
That's the first book I read.

Jonathon Aslay:   55:06
That's my Bible. My next book is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I read A Course of Miracles every day, which is non-religious, and the miracle is simply choosing love over fear and ego. That's all it is. And it's different lessons to do that. And I'm a big proponent, especially in the relationship realm, to both empower women and men to choose partners in a more purposeful way and not the way we've been taught, which is based on chemistry. 

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   55:38
My God, yes.

Jonathon Aslay:   55:40
And I know we could have a whole no show on that. 

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   55:43
We could because  people write me all the time about the chemistry and they don't understand why it didn't last.

Jonathon Aslay:   55:50
I'm writing another book called Compassionate Dating: Why Modern Romance Needs a Makeover. I'll quickly share the four pillars just to give you some insight for your audience. The four pillars to relationship success in Jonathan's World. And then there's a lot of other books out there. Is, obviously, the first pillar is chemistry but chemistry isn't just physical attraction. Chemistry is energetic connection. Chemistry is that that vibe you get with another person. It's something outside of lust and limerence. That's what chemistry is, or at least the way I interpret it. The next is shared values. In other words, are they aligned with one another? And not everybody is. Then it's, blendable lifestyles. Can you blend your lifestyles together and then, lastly, emotional maturity. And this is the hardest one of all because most people are emotionally immature. They might be able to pay their bills. That's maturity or responsibility. But can you fight fair in a relationship. That's where a lot of people have very weak skills.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   56:49
You are good. No you are. Everything that you're about. And I love how you say that these are your pillars and someone else can find someone else. Because I feel like owning that lets you have momentum. Sometimes I have to remind myself. This is just my version of something. If someone's not into it, then they'll fall away. But I should focus more on what my version of everything is. But the ones that you have, I just can applaud you because, like I totally get it and can totally stand behind these pillars. 

Jonathon Aslay:   57:18
Well, I'm fascinated with relationships and this didn't happen overnight. This has been a good 10 plus or 12 years of really doing a lot of work. So my hope is that we can shortcut the process for people by going straight to the books that we recommend. And so, one of the things from a dating perspective is, I ask the woman, what books are on your bookshelf? You know, to me that speaks volumes. And so, for women, they should be asking men. Because what you read, it's like that story of the wolf that you feed. Are you feeding yourself with good, healthy food? Are you eating processed foods and addicted to sugar? You know, it's the same with your mind. What are you feeding it with? Are you feeding it with Kardashians and The Bachelor? Are you feeding it with the movie The Shift with Wayne Dyer, the movie The Secret, the movie What The Bleep? And then there's a gazillion wonderful documentaries. One in particular everyone must watch is the documentary HEAL. It's about healing your body, and it's a must watch. You know, our bodies are another component in all of this. We're talking a lot of mind and heart, but our bodies are the vehicle that we get to experience all this stuff. So, if one isn't taking good care of their body, their experience in the world is going to be equally poor. Which is a chapter in my book, by the way, called Your Body is a Machine, Not a Temple.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   58:43
Ah, that's awesome. I'm sure women are going to benefit from that.

Jonathon Aslay:   58:49
Thank you. Well, I hope, man will, too.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   58:55
I coined a word. It's Breakupward, and I'm curious what that word means to you or you think it might mean.

Jonathon Aslay:   59:02
You know, I had the first vision of breaking through. It's interesting. I had a vision of breaking through a coffin. Uh, maybe because I watched Kill Bill the other night and Uma Thurman broke through the coffin. But breaking through, breaking upwards. So there's an element of getting out of this sleep, if you will, and breaking through the consciousness, to awareness, to enlightenment. Everybody is awake. It's just a matter of degrees. And so my invitation for, you know, what I'd lean into is to be aware of your thoughts and your feelings in such a way that it's not controlling you. You're controlling it. That's what breaking upward means to me. Powerful. Can you tell me what you meant by it?

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   59:51
Al of these things. I mean, I ask everyone and everyone has gotten the same vibe from it with different words, and it makes me really happy to have thought of something that other people get it. But for me, it's about using what's happened to you to elevate you and to act as the catalyst to a higher level, like a higher level of thinking, a higher level of interacting, a higher level of engaging your life and choosing a parter. It's about putting yourself into the next level of your life.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:0:20
It's interesting because let me just share something because I sometimes struggle with the word higher because in The Course of Miracles, for example, it's really more about going inward to love. They try not to compare higher, but I still feel like to me higher is an ascension to heaven. And so I'm still good with that. But I'm just saying a lot of spiritual realm people, the really deep spiritual people, like the Ram Dass of the world, they would coin it slightly different. But I'm good with higher.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:0:52
It's funny because an ex boyfriend of mine, that's like a brother to me now, he kind of made this joke. But after listening to you, I feel like he's really on to something, you know? He knows that my whole thing is breaking upward. He's like, Chelsea, Breakinward. And I'm like, Fuck! Oh, my God, that's got to be part of it.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:1:12
Yeah, you know, truthfully. And, if you've ever done any psychedelics. Like I said, I'm in California. We do all kinds of cool stuff here. Uh, that really breaks you inward. That inner journey. And so, I'm talking about Ayahuasca and that sort of thing, and it really is breaking inward in such a way that it is actually both an in and an elevation. It really is. It's through inward that we can elevate upward, if you will. And I mean, when I say upward, I mean upwards to the light of love. That's what it means to me.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:1:51
I love that. Okay, well, this has me thinking a lot more about my offering. I mean, you are just like on. It's very inspiring for me to hear this. It really makes me want to put more work into what I do and education into myself. So thank you for that.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:2:06
Oh, you're very welcome. And you're doing great work out there, too. I mean, what you're doing is really helping so many people. And you know not just this podcast, but in what you really do. It's an opportunity for all to breakupward, to move upward. And when consciousness is raised, there's less suffering on the planet. And that's what I feel like. At least I know I am, and I get the sense that you are the same, but that's what I aspire to is to help people feel less suffering and more inner peace or joy and happiness, whatever your drug of choice is.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:2:40
Tell my audience where they can find you.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:2:41
Sure. So my book is called, What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway. It's on Amazon. My name is Jonathon Aslay. You can Google me. I've got a website that you can get some free gifts. I think we'll probably have something in the show notes which I'll give a couple chapters of my book to your audience. And yeah, YouTube as well. So I'm really growing my YouTube channel. 

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:3:04
Congratulations. And you're single.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:3:05
I'm single. I finally am in a place now, and we didn't get a chance to go in my deeper story, but I'm in a place now where I'm really holding space. Oh, and you know what I did today? I deleted all my dating apps.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:3:18
I have to have you back just so I can hear about that shift and how you finally did that or why. Because I've never been on them.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:3:26
Let me just tell your audience real quick. I did it. And I'm a big proponent for dating sites. But you know what? I feel like my soul mate is going to track me down and she's gonna beat me over the head and say, I want you. So I'm really holding space for that.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:3:41
Yes. You're gonna run into her. The people that I've dated, for example, like my recent ex boyfriend, he wrote into my advice column. There is no way I ever would have met him. I mean, he's in a small town in the south, and I've had that a lot in my past. I feel like the universe really gives you people. And so that's how I am. Like I'm excited about that. I'm excited about pushing myself out into the world more and then someone tracking me down.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:4:06
Yeah, and by the way, it's a two way street. So when I said that to everyone listening, I'm saying it tongue in cheek. To me, it's an absolute two way street. The two people make effort for one another, so I'm just leaning into that.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:4:19
Yes. Well, congrats. Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Jonathon Aslay:   1:4:24
Thank you. It's been a blast to talk to you today.

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:   1:4:27
I'll talk to you soon.