240: We Are Contradictions with Tucker Atterbury

At the end of March, in the midst of heartbreak and what felt like a personal falling out with myself, I set my Hinge to Los Angeles, a city I never spent one happy day in, where I lived out the most heartbreaking years and relationship of my life, a city that also just so happens to be the only place I’d ever consider leaving New York for — for the next chapter and stage and… for love. 

Maybe I was falling back on my oldest and truest pattern of all — pursue a long-distance relationship — or maybe my heart wanted to take me somewhere and, under the weight of heartbreak, I was desperate enough to listen and follow... a brave, new possibility... for the podcast, that is. ;) Or, like the guest I’m learning from today, maybe I, too, am full of contradictions. 

Joining me 11 minutes in, Santa Barbara native, Tucker Atterbury aka Mr. Logic, is the first Hinge connection I got to meet and record with in-person. Together, over the course of 2+ hours in May, I began fulfilling my original intention from back in March — in the midst of heartbreak, to let my creative passion lead me, to pause dating and heal... away from men, in front of men, and in thanks to men, to listen and learn from Cali guys, and slowly to begin to open my heart again... because I always take the scenic route... and maybe LA is the way or along it. 

In this episode, you'll hear us discuss the many crossroads of life and love… and, with Tucker’s signature touch, philosophy will be woven throughout his perspective. 

I hope you learn with me... and that, just by listening to us, you'll begin to ask yourself new questions that liberate you, too.

PS: As I release this, I'm wondering whether there aren't two types of online daters: those who are looking for their answer and those who are still asking the questions. If you had to choose, which are you?

KEY TOPICS: the freedom in winging it and the romantic irony of settling down, being cheated on and not being a player, the anxiety of intimacy and exploring non-monogamy, the discomfort of being seen and drifting apart when you're loving on cruise control, manning up with stoicism and numbing oneself from the spectrum of vulnerability, trauma comes from two places and the quest to motivate oneself, the slippery slope of substance abuse and the shame of recognizing your own dependency, the dance between honoring one another's sovereign independence and inevitably objectifying each other, being bullied and gravitating toward female friendships, the fine line between friendship and romantic love, the problem of free will and the experience of choice, ADHD medication and cannabis use, not over identifying with our own consumptions and the pursuit of moderation, betting on yourself and the standstill of privilege, the ego is necessary and othering it for your own well-being. 

Some References: Jean-Paul Sartre, objectification, anguish, being for itself vs. being for others; absurdism; free will vs determinism; Daniel Dennett, user-illusion; Albert Camus, An Absurd Reasoning; virtue ethics; Seneca, Stoic philosophy; Elizabeth Gilbert, Your Elusive Creative Genius, Socrates, the gadfly